Thursday, May 27, 2010

May 26, 2010

I couldv’e .. you know? I must’ve missed it. Failed to see it probably. I was here, I was there. I did everything I thought I could do, and it was never enough for you. I gave everything I had, everything I have. I gave up everything I wanted just so I can provide you with what you need and what you want. I was here all along. You treated me like crap, you neglected me. Worst part is that, you actually promised me a lot of things. This and that which in the end turned up as bullshit and lies. I hated you. I moved on and endured it, because I still believed that we can make it. Everything I do is another mistake for you, everything I try to say is nothing for you cannot hear me – you never did. Maybe in the first few days..weeks..months..years. After that , you kept on rubbing in my face how useless I am in your life, how I made everything miserable for you. You hurted me, I hurted you in return but in the end it’s still me who bleeds more. You don’t know what you are asking for. I set up my defenses, I built a gap to separate my heart from my mind. Or wait, you already crushed my heart, who am I fooling anyway. I don’t want to feel anything from you anymore, because no matter how hard I try to at least be someone you need, I still end up as someone you love to hate. I am not putting all the blame in you though, don’t get me wrong. I know my shortcomings and mistakes. I paid for it I think. Or nah, I don’t think I did. Somehow, it is not enough for you. Somehow, you are still asking me for something, the problem though is, I don’t know what it is. I have to decipher you like some sort of a fucking code. I will never be enough for you, nor will I ever be important for you. You have never asked me if I am still okay. You have never once asked me of what I want or what I need. It’s always fucking about you.

I hate you.

I could’ve been someone you don’t wanna let go. I guess I am entirely missing the point.